“Road House” (2024) Movie Review – So Bad, It’s Terrible.

When it comes to motion pictures, it’s not hard to have guilty pleasures. The “so bad, it’s good” trend is obviously very well known and is even often celebrated in the industry. Indeed, I imagine it is incredibly difficult to make a steaming pile of shit renowned and enjoyed for its filth. I really feel like this trend is becoming dangerous and I’ll explain why. Studios and production companies who are very “how do you do fellow, kids?” will see the immense irony surrounding liking bad movies. So therefore, they make it a clear agenda to dumps dozens of millions of dollars into films that are bad on purpose.

“Road House” is bad on purpose, and it’s terrible. Directed by Doug Liman and starring Jake Gyllenaal, Elwood Dalton is thrusted back onto the big screen to take control of a bar in the Florida Keys. Simple formula as shown in the 1989 original starring Patrick Swayze. Except without the charm and endearment…And it’s all intentional.

What Are These Actors Doing???

Going back to the original, Patrick Swayze starred as the warm, philosophical, and tough James Dalton and brought ultimate charm and charisma. If the internet in 1989 was like it is now, Swayze is immediately thrusted into “he’s literally me” territory with his oozing coolness. Jake Gyllenhaal does the opposite of all that. He is absolutley phoning it in as a smirky, cocky, roid freak who you are forced to endure for two hours. Every written trait his character has goes against what Swayze brought to the table in 1989. Ultimately having Gyllenaal’s portrayal be a former UFC fighter with no plan but to scam illegal fight clubs is grossly modern and extremely 2024. What happened to Jake Gyllenaal? Zodiac, Brokeback Mountain, Prisoners, Nightcrawler? I’m calling washed.

The supporting cast may even be worse than Gyllenaal here. Conor McGregor as the villain goes along with the nasty modernity that Liman induces into this film. Just based off his name alone, you’re expected to enjoy this cartoonish and terrible performance. Nothing he brings to the role is earned, because he literally provides nothing as he is not an experienced actor. Though the original source material very obviously had outlandish characters and villains, none of them are introduced as maniacally walking through a farmer’s market butt ass naked with a terrible rock song squealing over it. Seriously, that happens. It’s not funny or menacing. It’s just so stupid especially with McGregor making the same stupid face in every frame.

Daniela Melchoir is keyed in as the forced love interest and she really isn’t that bad. She just isn’t provided any assistance because this romance is shitty and forced. I hate to keep referring to the original (but it’s a fucking remake so I absolutely can), but Kelly Lynch and Patrick Swayze have genuine and sweet moments that are beautiful. Nothing can beat stargazing naked in the moonlight on top of a barn roof. Melchoir is not at fault because her romance is butchered by the film’s terrible direction.

The character, Wade Garrett, being written out is also incredibly foolish. Having a friend/ mentor for Gyllenhaal could’ve absolutely helped fill in his shallow characterization. Just seriously bad work from everyone here.

Well At Least The Fights Are Good, Right?!

Wrong!

It is very possible that these are the worst directed, filmed, choreographed, and edited fight scenes I have ever seen. Which is admittedly surprising coming from Doug Liman whom has directed good action before. The whole braintrust believed they could skate on by making everything surrounding the fights shitty, but they forgot to make the fights good.

Riddled with terrible CG, zero choreograph prowess, and framed like shit. Also, when did Hollywood get so bad at lighting??? Just terrible action work and it looks incredibly ugly.

As for as this movie goes in a technical aspect, it’s all shit. I find it hilarious that Liman and Gyllenhaal fought so hard for a theatrical release. Typically, you want people to see a film on the big screen if it looks great. This does not.

Absolutely insane that a movie released in 1989 (yes, the original again so please grow up) has such elegantly filmed action sequences that utilize a great looking blend of martial arts and kung fu. All bathed in noir-esque neon bar lights and fantastic editing. I’m going crazy thinking about the comparison in quality.

It’s Terrible On Purpose. So, Why Watch It?

If you decide to watch “Road House” and even end up enjoying it, good on you. To me, this is a low effort attempt with no payoff. At least watch the original as well just to try and understand why I have all this passion. The remake completely goes against the 1989 film’s traits that they literally had on a silver platter.

Bad, bad, bad. Which how they wanted it, right? Shitty film, I hated it.

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Watch Movies. Just not this one.