We are so damn back baby.
The pollen is in the air, my sinuses are attacking me and the internet is upset that a gold banner is going up at Minute Maid Park, that means first pitch is right around the corner. We are mere hours away from first pitch and you didn’t think I wasn’t not not going to drop my annual player rankings to tens of readers. Player rankings? Player rankings.
(REMEMBER THESE ARE MY RANKINGS ON HOW I THINK THEY WILL FINISH THE YEAR AND REMEMBER THIS TEAM IS SO DAMN STACKED YOU CAN’T BE UPSET WHERE SOMEONE IS BECAUSE VERY LIKELY THEY WOULD BE IN THE TOP 15 FOR ANY OTHER ORGANIZATION)
28. César Salazar – Wow, what a shocker. Astros Twitter was taken back a little when the final roster spots were announced. Salazar, get’s to learn from one of the best in the game in Machete. Friend of the Program.
27. Corey Julks – What a story of resilience and grinding. The kid from Friendswood and University of Houston grad punches a ticket to the show.
26. Mauricio Dubón – Dubyyyyy. Look, I know he’s not the best offensively but the kid has some HANDS. The glove plays and he will get a lot of starts with #27 on the shelf.
25. Yainer Diaz – I feel like this is a very low ranking. Yanier Diaz just flat out RAKES. Coming over in the Maton-Straw trade, one last gift from Jimmy Click.
24. Ronel Blanco – BUY BUY BUY! I AM ALL IN ON THIS KID. He is your new Cristian Javier when he gets stretched out. You can piggy back him with Hunter Brown, or your bridge guy.
23. Seth Martinez – Seth is a dude. Give him his damn roses. He only shows up every outing and get outs. He is a silent KILLER.
22. David Hensley – Hens DAWG. The Altuve injury hurts so much but for David Hensley it will be the launchpad in his career. He will be getting a lot of at bats and a lot of valuable innings and lessons of being a big leaguer. Friend of the Program.
21. Martin Maldonado – My bad machete. Forgot you on the rankings. The skinny guy caught me overlooking him. He is future manager in the making and I expect him to anchor this roto and bully.
20. Jake Meyers – Healthy? HEALTHY.
19. Chas McCormick – The CATCH. That’s it. That’s the tweet.
18. José Urquidy – The pride of MAZATLAN. He is your constant beat in the rotation over 162. New father, new dad strength should add +5 to all his attributes.
17. Hunter Brown – ROOKIE OF THE YEAR.
16. Ryne Stanek – Let’s get this guy an extension already. He throws 100 plus with a tumbling splitty. Friend of the program.
15. Héctor Neris – This bullpen is so damn good. Neris was a constant high leverage stopper last season and will continue to be that this season.
14. Rafael Montero – SHOW ME THE MONEYYYYY. Rafy got PAID PAID. Another high leverage arm. Pitching and defense wins championships.
13. Michael Brantley – Pretty low ranking here for a guy who can roll out of bed and hit .320 in the show. Just need him healthy.
12. Lance McCullers Jr. – This ranking is just due to health. When LMJ is on he is a front of roto dude with nasty stuff. I feel like the slow build back is going to have him rockin’ and rollin’ down the stretch run. Friend of the Program.
11. Luis Garcia – This is a year we should and will see Luis take a big leap forward. I think his stuff plays across the board and with the league outlawing his baby rock, it may let him open it up a little bit more. Friend of the Program.
10. Bryan Abreu – I think last year I had him in the high 20s in my rankings because I felt like Charlie Brown trying to kick a football with backin’ up my guy. Then 2023 happened and he emerged into the coldest arm on the planet. I think he is your future closer if we get the walks down.
9. Ryan Pressly – America’s Closer. One of the best Luhnow moves ever in his regime. Lockdown, filthy, Johnny Cash. Friend of the Program.
8. Jose Altuve – This is egregiously low for the heartbeat of the city. He lands in the 8 spot just due to likely missing games up to May – June.
7. Jeremy Peña – The World Series MVP falls to the 7 spot?!? Yes, this team is so damn deep. Going into his sophomore year, the heartthrob of Houston is looking to take that leap to the superstar level. Friend of the Program.
6. José Abreu – When you acquire a MVP and can just say “Ya, he’s in the top 10 somewhere on your roster,” you know you have a deep lineup. Abreu is going to thrive in his lineup, zero pressure of being the guy just gonna eat some RBI Steaks.
5. Cristian Javier – He is going to finish right behind Framber in the AL Cy Young race. He might throw two no-hitters. Just filthy and you can’t see his stuff.
4. Yordan Alvarez – My son, The man who turned a game upside down, your future HR Champion, and future MVP. What else can you say about the big fellow.
3. Kyle Tucker – He might be the MVP of 2023. If he starts off hot, look out everyone. Kyle Tucker will rumble all over downtown Houston with his big ole nuts like King Kong. Friend of the Program.
2. Framber Valdez – The Framchise, Staff Ace, The Man who loves his IG storires, 2023 Cy Young, Coulda been a WS MVP, and Mr. Quality Start. LET THE WORKHORSE SPIN.
1. Alex Bregman – I think we see a 2019 season from Bregs. He is healthy, entering his prime, was possessed over the last 90 games. Throw some salsa and swamp sauce on an MVP sprinkle bet. The Champ Champ is back and the swagger of this city.
There it is. What is your top five? Let me know. Player rankings? Player rankings.