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Cristian Javier Has a Chokehold on Me and He Will Never Release Me (He is the Coolest)

One of the coolest aspects centering around the sport of baseball is how cool players can be. Most of these guys come out of nowhere and begin respectable to great careers. From players drafted out of JUCO to international signings, teams really can find diamonds in the rough.

Now, look here. It’s one thing to be a very talented player. It means the moon especially when you have a team that can contend. But if the player is also really cool? You’ve got yourself a building block.

We arrive here. Talking about Cristian Javier. The Man.

Very quickly, Javier became my favorite player. In 2015, Cristian Javier signed with the Astros as an international free agent for a contract worth $10,000. Only 10K. After a few fantastic seasons in the minors, he was added to the 40-man roster after 2019.

Okay, that’s the facts. Let me tell you feelings now.

Cristian Javier makes his first MLB appearance in a scoreless inning in the 2020 shortened season. Soft. Start his ass, I thought. His shit looks really good! Who even really is this?? At this point, I’m intrigued because the rotation is questionable to go along with a questionable season. Love his beard and cool demeanor as well. We’ll see what happens with this guy.

Cristian Javier makes his first MLB start against the Los Angeles Dodgers in 2020. Fuck yeah! A first start! Congratulations Cris—-holy shit he just made Max Muncy look silly. Now Mookie. Now Bellinger. UUUUUUMMMM he just stuck out the side holy shit. Okay, that is what I’m talking about. Javier goes 5.2 IP with 8k’s while the Astros drop the game 4-2. Sucks ass that we lost, but Javier looks great and it’ll be exciting to watch him this season. His fastball is electric.

Cristian Javier is added to the bullpen during the 2020 playoff run. Pretty understandable. He is a rookie and his stuff would be great late in games. He looks unhittable. DAMN. He is making these SCHMOES look GOOFY. The Astros run comes to an end in game 7 in the ALCS. I’m saddened because we lost and I have no job. On the brightside, Javier ended his postseason brilliantly with a 2.89 ERA. Oh, Momma. Excited for 2021.

Cristian Javier begins 2021 as a starter…..then immediately is thrown in the bullpen again. Let my peacock fly! I understand how thin the bullpen depth is, but Javier has legitimate Cy Young stuff! Whatever, man. He’ll do well in the bullpen, watch. He starts a game on April 27 with a coffee stain on his jersey. Blows my mind that he drank black coffee before dominating the Mariners. How does he not shit his pants? I definitely would. Back to the bullpen. Oh well, let’s ride. He does really fucking well. Told you. My guy is amazing. Going 4-1 with a 3.55 ERA? That shit will play.

2021 playoff run begins. Cristian is still a bridge guy. I’m awaiting every single appearance. I enjoy this shit. He is still so cold. Astros lose to the Braves game 6 of the World Series. Not what I wanted, but a pennant is a pennant and my new best friend Cristian Javier made some major strides. Over 10 IP and a 3.38 ERA is boss man shit. Looking forward to the future.

I’m in West Palm for 2022 Spring Training. I appear on a MAJOR PODCAST and I declare that Cristian Javier will make a major leap. They call me a mad man. They taunt me and doubt me. Javier heads will rise.

Watch the podcast here.

Cristian Javier is still in the fucking bullpen in April 2022. I’m disgusted. Absolutely disgusted. He deserves a starting spot on this rotation. Let my peacock fucking fly! He makes his 2022 starting debut exactly one year after the coffee stain game. He dominates. Oh gee really??? He did great?? Wow, dude. I’m so fucking surprised. Keep that shit going, man. June 25 vs the New York Yankees in Yankee Stadium. Huge game. This is no doubt our “rivals” and we want a win. They have a potent offense with Aaron Judge playing outside if his mind. Let’s hope the best out of Javier. He throws 7 IP with 13k’s in a combined no hitter. I’m blown away. He was absolutely unhittable. The best pitching performance in his career thus far. He was like a combination of Pedro Martínez and Jesus. I couldn’t even look at him.

The 2022 playoffs begin. This will mark the first season that Cristian Javier will begin the postseason as a starter. I’m unbearable. I’m pounding the table for playoff starter Javier. Absolutely foaming at the mouth like a rabid cow. It is his time. November 2, 2022. His time. I cannot believe this isn’t a simulation. What did I just witness? Fucking excuse me?? No way Javier just went 6 innings in ANOTHER COMBINED NO HITTER. All while the Astros were down 2-1 in the series. That shit doesn’t happen. Unreal. This was the day Cristian Javier took his major leap. Absolute hoss ass shit. Astros become 2022 World Champions. Tears in my eyes. An amazing squad. All of which Javier is a face of. At the parade, I saw Cristian Javier drink a miller lite. Fuck yeah. You earned that beer, winner.

Go buy the shirt now.

Cristian Javier signs a 5 year $64 million contract. Fuck yes, man. Locked and loaded for years to come. Let me hold some of that, Cristian. 2023 season begins with Cristian Javier as the second starter. No surprises here. He’s a fucking killer in the coolest position possible. He’s the cool co-pilot that will always be there if you need it. The power grid that will never go out and will always provide the electricity if needed. A cool cucumber in a field of hot pickles that will always keep his demeanor. A beautiful blossoming cactus flower that is never done growing and will always face that sweltering desert sun.

Cristian Javier is inducted in the 2048 Baseball Hall of Fame. He goes to make his speech. I’m in the back of the crowd. Watching my favorite player become celebrated as a great. I nod my head in approval and turn away. I fade away and disappear. My job is done.

So, yeah. Cristian Javier is such a young and exciting player. It will be fun to watch him constantly elevate himself. Keep going, winner!

Watch Baseball.

My peacock is flying 🦅

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